WHITE RIVER VALLEY — When you don’t like something change it. This works well with the myriad of cable television channels.

Changing a diaper on a baby, while a smelly proposition, does have its benefits, as any kid would say if they could talk.

Change is one of those constant things in life that will always be with us. Change is good, so it’s said. But, changing the Bible to make it more inline with modern conservative worldview?

A right-wing effort called the “Conservative Bible Project” claims liberal bias in the Bible indoctrinates readers to be predisposed to ideas that are antithetical to mainstream Republican political thought.

Andrew Schlafly, son of conservative activists John and Phyllis Schlafly, founded the project specifically to market to homeschoolers. Schlafly, who holds no teaching license, is consistently opposed to anything smacking of liberalism as would be the desired position considering the careers of his parents’ opposition to feminism, the Miranda warnings, the Equal Rights Amendment, and reduced price milk for school kids.

Could it really be “conservative” to change meanings or phrases in the Bible?

The term conservative generally represents a resistance to change, and, even if the change desired would be more in tune with the socio-political idealism of the right side of the spectrum is a question left unanswered by Schlafly in his zeal for liberal eradication.

Granted, he has some ideas he thinks would be of benefit to us and our interpretation of scripture. The elimination of any mention of the liberal word “government” and in its place the insertion of “tyranny” would suffice for Schlafly as a great start.

There could be other changes to the sacred text most conservatives would agree with. For instance, that whole deal of a camel going through an eye of a needle before any rich man gets into Heaven has annoyed and perplexed conservatives for generations. Such remedies as breedingsmaller camels and enlarging needle eyes have all come to naught. Replace the text in the Bible to read something like “Yea, I tell you, a rich man will be first into Heaven and have the best catered parties. The poor will reap the whirlwind and be stuck with the bill.”

And, all that stuff about love your neighbor and your enemies as yourself has got to be edited out and replaced with “Go, therefore and multiply in your wealth. Gouge the poor and pay them only minimum wage as it’s their fault for being born destitute.”

In a conservative world there isn’t a place for visiting the prisoner, or taking the shirt off your back to help the naked, or treating your fellow man with charity. No place for decency and to get around that pesky verse that has caused so much mental strain on the right wing trying to square the Teachings of Jesus with their hate for other citizens needing to see a doctor but had their health insurance cancelled for a pre-existing case of acne.

A particularly troubling part of the Bible for conservatives is the whole business about going into a closet to pray to the Father. Going into a closet to pray defeats the whole purpose of a mega-church where they can go to be seen parking a big SUV, to commiserate and to donate to a preacher living in half-million dollar home, and to network with others to print more WWJD bumper stickers.

The fact that an ultra-right wing n utjob considers the Bible a liberal document speaks volumes. Now, about that adultery Commandment… a change more than one Republican politician of late would be in favor of.

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Steve Foster has a degree in criminal justice. He writes about social or political issues.

Opinion, Pages 4 on 10/15/2009

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